Remember when I wrote about being cheerful and staying positive not even three days ago? Yesterday was one of those days where I was not going to be in a good mood, in fact, I was going to be angry, and I knew it about an hour and a half into my day. Even though I got to chat with Kyle a little in the morning (could you tell? sorry husband). One of those days where every and any single thing could make me cry or think of a reason to. I was angry that Kyle is deployed and in the Army. Angry that he was suddenly a part of this war. Angry he left me. Angry that he probably won't get R&R, angry that he is losing his internet. Angry that there could be more of this in our future. Angry that our future kiddos might have to go through this. Angry that there is war. Angry about the emails with useless information. Angry that the wedding might not happen because of Army. Angry about moving to Texas. Angry that Kyle can't help do things husbands should help do. Angry to always be waiting, always having to take another bus or plane. Angry about the lack of photos. Angry to be working a very long twelve hours. Angry that people complain about being apart for mere days. Angry that I would probably be one of them if I knew what it was like to be a normal couple. Sad to hear all the stories all day long. Angry that anything else could make me sad on that day. Angry that it ever happened. Angry that I was angry at all, and angry for feeling like I'm not allowed to ever be angry. Angry! and sad. and irritated. It was all very unpleasant and complicated.
I don't usually get angry. I get supportive and hopeful and busy and "fine." I worry oh I worry. But yesterday I was angry. I guess I am allowed, but it doesn't feel good. A good old fashioned bad day or two is fine every once in a while, so long as the next day is better. So today, I am going to focus on things that I am happy about.
Happy, so so happy to be married to Kyle. Happy that he was brave enough to leave school and figure out where he should be and what he should be doing for the time being. Happy that he picked me to do this with him. Happy for the rough patches. Happy that he kissed me two days after I got back from Finland even though I thought it was kind of weird that he did that. Happy he didn't freak out that time I wrote him a sonnet (to be fair I was taking a poetry class at the time). Happy that over three months have gone by. Happy that he has stayed safe and I have stayed sane. Happy that he is so smart. Happy to have someone to wait for. Happy to have a future together. Happy that we will most certainly have such adorable and brilliant children. Happy that he likes the name Apollo too. Happy to have a job (two) where I can help others who really need it. Happy to be so lucky. Happy to be able to plan the wedding of our dreams. Happy to see Mr. and Mrs. President with the people, smiling. Happy that the memorials are quite lovely in my opinion. Happy that people can be happy again. Happy for the stories people share. Happy that there is still hope and love and Jon Stewart. Happy about kittens and family. Happy about wedding photos to come. Happy for a quiet place to let my storm of thoughts rage on. Happy for the little things. Happy for our secrets and stories, and our secret stories. Happy for fall television and fall everything. Happy that others are happy. Happy for friends that like me and tell me it is OK to be angry and that I am pretty. Happy that I have a whole day off next Sunday! Happy I didn't break another Ninja, it just got overheated. Happy that I make husband happy, I think, even when I am crazy. Happy just thinking about him. Happy I need to bring this to a close because I have things to do!
- From the desk of Mrs. M