Another Year

This year I...

I learned that every month, every day can be a struggle for me. Happiness, real, genuine, internally-driven happiness, has not come naturally to me for many years now, and I struggle to find and cultivate it. Some days are better than others of course, some days are very dark. On average, on a scale of 1 :( to 10 :) I'd say I'm a 4.

I learned that there is so much that we think but do not say. I voice probably 30 to 40 percent of my thoughts and feelings, even to the people I am closest to. We are like icebergs, aren't we. I think this is probably both good and bad, and what makes social work so difficult sometimes.

I learned a lot about hunger in America, and policy, and community organizing, and federal benefits, and social work. I became comfortable leading groups and holding individual therapy sessions with kiddos and adults at the mental health hospital I worked at. I attended a couple conferences and I still love to learn.

I learned what it takes to start to love a place- a town, a city, a state, a region. This summer gave me the perfect opportunity for this. I finally had some time to get to know Waco a bit, and when you learn a place though exploring its faults and challenges and thinking of ways to improve upon them, the love comes so readily and unexpectedly. It also helps when you get to a point where you don't need a GPS to drive anywhere/everywhere.

I learned that friendship can be found in unexpected places from unexpected persons. And it doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

I learned that it is much easier to act on caring for others than yourself.

I remembered that I need the outdoor air.

I decided to be tougher. I found being warm to be both the easiest thing and the most difficult thing at times.

I got to lead often.

I learned that to believe what others tell me about myself, I have to first believe it for myself.

I learned that I need more people in my life than only my husband (and that's OK).

I realized that Snapchat is actually awesome and not stupid and pointless like I thought when I was first introduced to it.

I learned (in theory) how to kill a chicken from my Kenyan friend.

I got to take trips to Boston (twice) and DC and remembered how much I love travel and that I should try to do more of it. Also my love and appreciation for metro systems in big cities was solidified.

I drove many many miles.

I learned that not all small dogs are yippy and annoying.

I still have issues with my hair.

- S

Some People Just Fall in Love Like That

I'm sure most of you have watched this already, but if you haven't, you're welcome. :)



Visit here if you need more smiles.

- From the desk of Mrs. M

On Connection

"In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Really seen."

In my field of study and work, we talk about taboos. People don't like to talk about taboos, because they are awkward, hard to admit, and difficult to really think about the implications and what the taboos mean about us and human kind. It is hard because we feel shame. It's hard to look at a child and say, "tell me why you molested your cousin." It's hard to walk into a room full of black women and say, "I don't know what it's like to be you, but why don't you tell me." It's hard to ask someone about when they were raped, their PTSD, their religion, their sexual orientation, the color of their skin. Heck, it's hard to ask someone why they cut their hair that way; why they got that weird tattoo; why they wear their clothes like that. You know what's harder? To be the one answering those questions.  And so instead we don't talk about it. But it's still in our heads; we're still wondering. And so we let our assumptions take over. We dig through our experiences and what society tells us we're supposed to think about it, what we see in TV, what we do or don't hear about in the daily news. Our brains need to compartmentalize, generalize, and categorize, and it's easier and necessary for us to assign someone to a folder in our heads and let it be done. We don't even have to open our mouths.

But what does that do? What does not talking do? Not taking the risk of being wrong. To avoid feeling awkward. To save us the embarrassment of saying the wrong thing. Not taking the opportunity to learn and expand the capacity of your mental file folders. What does it do to say I can't talk about race because I'm white, and stop there. I can't relate to a gay man because I'm straight, and so I'm not going to even try. I have nothing to contribute because I am not like you, so let's just not. People say ignorance is bliss but I think it is just ignorance, avoidance, a defense mechanism. We ascribe ignorance to children, a fantasized quality of our younger years of innocence, but I can tell you that a five year old child who wants to kill themselves is not so simply ignorant.

There's no connection to be had from not talking about taboo topics. Yet what people really are all about is connecting. But unfortunately, we stop ourselves from connecting because we are afraid of the potential for disconnect. We're afraid of something being taken away that we never even had to begin with.

We are all limited by our capabilities and enriched by our unique experiences. We shouldn't be afraid to share the latter to expand the former. It's OK to be vulnerable.

-

-Mrs. M

Olympians Are People Too, I Suspect

via

I woke up this morning and hopped on to my usual social media sites- you know, getting the news of the day in the most reliable way. I'm not sure what it was about this morning's round of tweets, but something hit me that I didn't like. It wasn't my cat sling-shotting at me from across the room.

It seems like our first reaction to these world-class Olympic athletes, after excitement and genuine pride in their talent and success at representing our country, is to completely tear them apart and bring them down. I noticed since the opening ceremonies I'd really just seen two kind of tweets and comments. Those that say "Yayy, hooray! AMERICA! Phelps! Fab Five!" and those that say "Why is she always crying? Why is his face like that? What's with her hair clips? Ugh, that outfit!" 

The ones that had me baffled and frustrated the most are comments on displays of emotion. Why is that gymnast who just lost her opportunity at a gold medal, because she herself and alone messed up her routine, crying? Do you really wonder that? It seems pretty obvious to me why one might cry in that situation. And those are just the obvious, top layer reasons. Being watched by millions of people. Stress. Feeling like she let down others aside from herself- her trainers, family and her country. She's proud of how far she came. Happy she made it to the podium. An opportunity for the gold lost. She's tired. She didn't win and I'd venture to guess that she really really wanted to. Any one of these is reason enough to shed some tears at any point in this process.

And yet we criticize and critique this young girl (who is, let me remind you, AN OLYMPIC ATHLETE) for showing emotion. For crying too much. For looking like she's going to cry. For not smiling. For looking stressed. For being too stern. For not crying. For smiling. For being human and reacting like one.

We watch as we sit on the couch and critique away their humanity. Why do we do it? I guess for the same reason we obsess over and are so mean towards other celebrities. People put themselves out there for doing what they love and being really good at it (the Kardashians and Kristen Stewart excluded) and we judge them, good and bad, fair or unfair. I do it too (see above), so chill out if you were just thinking well wait a minute here missy! We critique because it's something to do. We feel- hey they're on TV they have it coming. We like to find faults in presented perfection. We just don't like them or that hairstyle or that outfit that makes them look like a futuristic hobo. We try to make ourselves feel better about our own lives (I do believe that's what "Teen Mom" is for. That and birth control.). We do it because it's funny. Maybe we do it simply to make them seem more human and less like untouchable gods and goddesses of their craft. Knock 'em down a peg and forget that we would love to leave our lives and be them for even just a day.

I guess we do it because we too are humans, and it is just one of the things humans do. It's not something new and not something that will ever come to a stop; certainly not something anyone would run a campaign around (just leave those poor, talented, rich people alone already!). It's good to hold people to high standards, as long as we remember they're still people. We all are judged, probably any time we leave our house, we just don't usually become a major trending topic on twitter. Doesn't mean we can't all try to be a little nicer, more understanding, and more forgiving of the minor faults we see in ourselves and others.

-Mrs. M

Why Social Work

As you probably have heard, I plan to start graduate school in the fall (at Baylor!), to get my masters in social work. I'm not sure if everyone quite knows why, though, why social work.

I arrived at social work in a very natural, progressing way. I started out at AU a business and international service double major, and ended up at Pitt at a psychology and anthropology double major. Junior year I thought I'd maybe become the next/real life Bones. At the end of senior year, with a couple different psych research jobs completed and having been a psych tutor, I was definitely headed more towards a psychology profession. My interests were broad and I loved the extremes; biopsychology was as cool as cultural anthropology to me, and I saw that it was all related and all mattered. I wanted to use my knowledge and interest in people to help them. I think this was always my intent, I just didn't know it was called "social work." Don't ask me how I ever thought it was called "marketing," though.

I've considered being a Teacher. But I really don't know what I'd teach; I'm not passionate enough about English or Social Studies or Math to teach only that every day. With social work, I can teach something different every day, something essential, life skills and things some kids don't get taught at school or at home. I will also be learning myself.

I've considered becoming a Doctor or a Psychologist but there's no way I wanted to be in school for that many years, and the hassle of getting re-licensed in different states ins't practical for a military wife. Becoming a social worker in the next two years, I can promote health, physical and mental wellness, and help people with their medical issues that might otherwise go untreated.

I still think it would be cool to be a real life Bones, and I am probably more comfortable tucked away in a lab with dead bone, but I'd like to help the living in a more immediate way. And I know what such a lab would smell like (not awesome). With social work I plan to take an interdisciplinary approach, and to me, incorporating knowledge of what a fall down the stairs looks like versus a blow from another person looks like makes sense.

Growing up I wanted to be a dolphin trainer. I don't think social work is going to do much for me there, but we can't have everything! (And keeping dolphins in captivity is bad anyway.)

Social work allows me to be everything I really want to be, with the hope that I can help to do the same for others.

Honestly, the thought of the things I could do in my future scares me. The idea that I could influence an individual's decisions, a child's life, a family's direction, does not sit entirely comfortable with me. I don't see how it could with anyone. Who am I to know what is best? Who am I to have a say? I learned at PATH that sometimes the kids would take what I said to them to heart, and sometimes it would go in one ear and out the other. Both responses intimidate me.

But then I remember that on the other side, I am strong. I am competent, thoughtful, and strong. And there are those who are stronger than I am but can't even see their own strength, or have had it beat out of them. I want to reintroduce them. There are those who were never taught the basics, whether that is how to read or how to properly bathe yourself or what love should look like. I want to teach them. There are those who are just bad, bad people hurting other people and themselves. I want to stop them.

I know this all sounds very idealistic and unrealistic. But trust me, I'm heading into this with a good dose of reality as well (envisioning mountains of paperwork). I think to be a social worker you can't be an unrealistic dreamer. You can't think that you can save everyone, save the world. You can't blow up a bunch of balloons, grab a hold and expect to be carried away(though Up was really good). Some balloons will pop. Some will escape your hold and dart away. Some will slowly deflate and drag on the ground. Some will be impossible to inflate from the beginning even if you try until your cheeks are sore. Balloons can be so strong and light and full yet so quick to pop, destroy and discard. I think people can be like balloons. They rise and fall.  Even the strong ones only last so long. But, there is strength there.

I think to be a social worker, you have to know all this, accept all this, and witness all this every day, and still not give up.

I am confident in my skills and the ones I will build. I am certain that I will be continually learning, educating, questioning, caring, experiencing waves of being disheartened and uplifted. I am content with the reality I face and knowing I can't save the world. I would like to spend some time making it a little bit better, though.

{find images here}

My Secret

I didn't create this PostSecret, but I might as well have (I would use a different font). I don't like to generalize to the whole population, but this is certainly true for me. I am still getting used to being a part of the military, to my best friend being in the Army, to the fact that my cares, concerns and life lie where they now do. It is so easy for the big events of the world to be someone else's problem. It is easy to unknowingly ignore horrible things that happen every day, halfway across the world or right in your own backyard. There are some things you simply don't worry about or think about much, until they impact you directly. It is no fault of our own, I think our brains just need to have some limits to what is allowed to get to us or we would go absolutely crazy (or get there much quicker!). If all your involvement with the military ever is is saying a quick "Thank you" on Veteran's Day, there is nothing at all wrong with that. That's who I would be, I'm quite certain. But that's not who I am, since I am in love with Kyle and made the decision that he was what I wanted, and he decided to join the Army. I don't know when I knew it was for forever with him, but none of the difficulties and challenges that the Army likes to throw at us have come remotely close to challenging that, so for a while at least, it's the Army life for me! 

I think that we all have our niches, our interests, our differences and experiences, so that there is someone to care about everything possible in the world, at some point or another. I believe in making things better as I go along, both for myself and those around me, as well as those that I have the ability and knowledge to help. I think that this "secret" applies to many things in life: appreciation for our troops, joy over your newborn baby, sadness when a loved one dies of cancer. All things you can't quite understand until they happen to you. And when they do happen, you're not the same. 

University football is an American staple, and many grow up caring about it, especially in this community. Luckily for most of us, abuse and pain inflicted on a child is not something that we come across; it is one of those things that you think is horrible and disgusting when you hear about it, but you probably rarely hear about it, or it is so distant that there is little to no effect on your life. When something you're surrounded in daily (Penn State), gets tied up negatively with something you know is horrible and have never experienced before (child abuse), there is a conflict, a sadness, a confusion. For some there is irrationality and destruction, and for most there is thoughtfulness and concern. Your gut is to go with what you know- you are devastated because your coach has been fired, and you feel horrible for what was done to those kids (yes, you can feel both and still be a good person). image

My hope is that now that everyone in this community has experienced such scandal right where they live, work, and go to school, that they can now appreciate the devastation of child abuse, regardless of who should have done what, who no longer has a job, and how poorly or proudly people behaved in response. If you didn't have much care or concern for child abuse before, I don't blame you. The military was a thing of movies and morning news for me. But now you know, and now you have had that point of impact where you can't go back to thinking this problem could never be a concern of yours. I hope you let something good come out of it. That is what I plan to do. 

- From the desk of Mrs. M