Wednesday Wedding: What to do when Your Betrothed Really Doesn't Give A S#*@

Posted on: Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I was going to title this post: "What to do when Your Betrothed Really Doesn't Give a S#*@, or is Deployed to Iraq, or, Let's Be Honest, a Little Bit of Both," but I thought that was maybe a tad too specific. 
And I wanted people to read the post.

I'm not going to throw Kyle under the bus and say that I truly believe he doesn't care a smidge how our wedding is, because I know he cares (about some things. like that there not be an abundance of neon pink table linens, for example, and that there be alcohol), and he can be a good sport about things, but I am going to tell you that when I asked how he wanted our wedding to be, his reply was "a good time" and he sent me a link to this song. In a way that told me all I needed to know, "all I needed to know" being that I was pretty much on my own with this one.

Here are a few tactics to use when you are planning a wedding with a guy who is, well, not.
  1. Make threats. He loves you. He asked you to marry him. There are surely things that would be lacking in his life without you in it. Use that to your advantage.
  2. Be creative. Crying about it may work in the short term, but after he comforts you, apologizes and offers up a tidbit of helpful information (he'd like to eat beef at some point in the wedding), he's going to go right back to being completely useless. He is sneaky that way. Don't be vulnerable. Be creative.
  3. Scare Him. Yes, scare him into helping you. Here's what you do: you get together plans for a fake wedding, a scary wedding, all things he (/everyone) will hate. I'm talking horrible dress (think leopard print), horrible colors (black glitter, neon pink/orange, and a gold so brown it looks like excrement), horrible food (all soup buffet), and maybe give it a theme, something like "care bears," "Twilight," or "fairy dust;" heck just combine all three.
  4. Shut it Down. By which I mean, shut his laptop, and sit on it, facing him, and refuse to get up until he gives you what you need, a guest list, list of songs he wants to be played, ideas for the menu, or what have you. Hm? The computer isn't your fiance's biggest distraction in life? Well then I can't help you.
  5. Stew in silence, and take comfort in the fact that you will have this to hold over him for the rest of your undoubtedly blissful marriage.
I hope these tips have been helpful. 

But really, I write this in jest.
 Keeping in mind that things are often funny because they are at least a little bit true. 

I was prompted to write this when last week, a friend sent me a message saying she was having trouble getting her fiance to provide her with guest information from his side of the family/friend spectrum, asking me for advice on what to do. I smiled and laughed a little, because this situation sounded all too familiar. (This is one thing though, that you really can not do without your fiance. He needs to tell you who from his side is going to be invited, and gather addresses for you. This is not your job. If he does nothing else to help, this is the one thing he needs to do.) I was happy to find that in hindsight I could laugh about the trials and tribulations of wedding planning, and thought I'd share with you.

And joking aside, sometimes he's just not that into it, and you're just going to have to work with that as best as you can. Unless you have a miraculous anomaly of a man to whom you are engaged, or you yourself are a saint of a woman. Sometimes I'm not into it either, and it's ok to take breaks from planning. I am lucky Kyle isn't both super picky and not helpful; I can imagine that would be a torturous combination.

Some real advice?
Don't throw too much at them at once. Ask for their input regarding very specific issues, one at a time (for example, the other day Kyle and I discussed what ties the guys should be wearing. And that's enough for this week.). Accept that some things he's not going to care about, and trust that you know him well enough to be able to take his unvoiced opinions into consideration. Depend on your bridesmaids and family for input; they are much more reliable in this regard and, assuming you've chosen wisely, more excited about the planning process than your future husband might be. 

If all goes well, you will end up with a pretty pretty wedding, and smiles all around.


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