15 Percent

My sister introduced me to a new tumblr yesterday, We Are the 15 Percent, which features photos of mixed couples and families. It was created in response to ridiculous backlash from the Cheerios commercial which features a multi-ethnic, mixed race family. I think it can be hard for a lot of people to understand how this might make me or other mixed people or couples feel. It brings tears to my eyes, actually. Because no matter where I am, what country or state or neighborhood, I am always the minority. I am almost always the only one that looks like me. I am the confusing one, the one that people struggle with more than usual to put a label on, usually assigning me the wrong one. Black people don't consider me black. White people know I'm not white. I've had Indian people think I'm Indian. White people say I'm "some sort of Asian," (direct quote) Latina, Hispanic, Black, Native American. Pretty much anything that could fit my dark but not too dark skin and sometimes straight dark hair. Being mixed, a mix of whatever and however many parts, is the real minority in the world. I have never had a community with which I could relate, where I was not a visual rarity. So to see these pictures, of people like me, babies like I was and couples like me and my husband, it really feels like I have a place, for the first time. And that, if you can imagine, is a pretty big feeling.

<the creators of the page- Michael, Alyson and little Alexandra>

And here is a picture of my family.

What a good day for love today is, eh? :)

- From the desk of Mrs. M

2nd Anniversary

For our anniversary we did our usual meal at IHOP :). We were in class and at work all day, and we're generally not big celebrators, so it was low key. I guess it fits, considering our wedding day involved a court house, IHOP, waiting in lines at Army all day, and a night sharing a twin in the barracks. Oh, and we watched Away We Go; it's our special movie. Maybe we will watch it this weekend; and I think we're taking a trip out to the Salt Lick to try something new and spend some time together before I head to Boston on Sunday.

- From the desk of Mrs. M

A Year at Home

Every relationship has its important dates. The day you started dating (April 16,2008  around 1am), the day you got engaged (December 21, 2010 around 1 am...this is the first time I noticed that. I can assure you it was not planned on his part!), the day you get married (March 7, 2011, a Monday morning), and then if you're as cool weird as us, the day you had your wedding party (June 15, 2012, 4pm). For those of us in the military, we also have other days. Days when our soldiers get back from deployment (and days when we have to say goodbye, but those are not the fun dates I'm talking about). Sometimes we don't know what day a redeployment will be until a day or two before. But these are also special days. I was lucky enough to get my husband back right before Christmas last year (December 18, 2011, around 3am). Why do I have a sneaking suspicion our kids will be born in the wee hours of the night? ;)

This year is the longest we've lived in the same town since high school (graduation 2006). I've more than once found myself saying or thinking, "so this is what it feels like," to have a "normal" relationship. Even if our normal includes a constant threat of another deployment, I'd take a normal day with my husband over an extraordinary day with anyone else, any time.*

Check out the video I took last year of Kyle's redeployment ceremony. Or don't. It's mostly shouting and marching and flag waving.

- Mrs. M

*Maybe unless that means a normal day is driving for 12+ hours with unhappy cats for a couple days. Never again!

Over the Years

There aren't many photos of Kyle and I together, considering we've been good friends since tenth grade and known each other for about nine years now. But here's a handful I dug up (as in looked through facebook). Be sure to note the presence of his hair, back before Army times when he was able to have hair. :)

friends meeting me at the airport when I returned from my year in Finland! oh goodness

we started dating in April 2008

a Pittsburgh visit

at a wedding

on our El Paso road trip

- Mrs. M

What I Learned From Deployment

Just a few things about my experience...

For me, the goodbye was not the hard part (it was the awkward, wait, is this the last time we can chat, for reals this time? because they said that last time, part); the hard part was driving away from him. After years of bus rides, car trips and flights to go see Kyle, seeing him off and having him go somewhere I couldn't visit was gut wrenching. I felt so lost walking back to the car, so alone in the big state of Texas. Driving away from him at such a time was so unnatural, but that's all I could do. And then I drove for two days by myself to get back to Pennsylvania. And, seven months later, drove back down to meet him.


I am ok on my own. I don't prefer it that way at all, but what a valuable thing to know about yourself. 


Keep busy, but slow down every once in a while. Keeping busy doesn't fill the gap or adequately make up for anything, but it helps to gloss over the fact that a gap is there, and keeps your mind in a productive state rather than a destructive one. 

Pets are really your best friends. I highly recommend them. 

Cooking for one is not super inspired. Lots of frozen vegetables, yogurt, and being really glad that you eat at work where you cook for a bunch of others. 

There is a lot that you have to do on your own, which sucks when you're figuring it out, driving hundreds of miles on your own, finding a house by yourself, but it forces you to learn essential life skills that you only get from living them, so keep that in mind. You will be a great asset to yourself and your family. 

Take advantage of the time to yourself. Focus on self improvement. Do something you might not normally do. Add something to your routine. Find a new hobby. There will probably be times in the future when all you want is a day or an afternoon to yourself, so take advantage of your alone time now. You will probably feel you should be thinking of him at all times, and you will be, but work some time in there to think about you, too. 

Don't put your life on hold. The most simple and least "heavy" example I have of this is with your tv shows. There were a couple that I didn't watch, saving to watch later with Kyle because it would be more fun together, or simply because "if he can't then I shouldn't" (which is not the way to think. more on that next).  But go ahead and watch your shows. Meet new people, celebrate holidays and the passing of seasons. Don't waste the year. Save things to do with him, certainly, but save a particular recipe to make later with him, don't give up eating altogether (for an extreme example. You get the idea. I didn't stop eating or anything). 

This leads me to my next point:
Dont torture yourself. This took awhile for me to figure out, and the guilt started the day he left. I checked into a nice (not shady. name brand. well lit. fake eggs for breakfast dealio) hotel for the night, cried and cried and cried, and felt bad, guilty because, where would Kyle be sleeping for the next several months to a year? Not a nice hotel. Not a comfy bed with 18 pillows. I was certainly in the mentality that for all the unpleasantries and tough times Kyle was surely experiencing, I should have some misery too. Kyle doesn't get to hang out with friends, I shouldn't get to see friends. I shouldn't have down time. Pretty sure there's no real down time when you're at war. I should work work work and no play (I like work, so that's OK for me, but we all need at least a little fun and relaxation). I shouldn't complain (thats a big one); I mean, he's at war in the desert, stuck in close quarters with a bunch of dudes and their smelly farts (tmi?). Yes, his circumstances are not ideal, but it is true when they say a whole family experiences deployment, suffers through it. You're hurting enough, worried enough, going without enough as it is. Don't feel you need to restrict yourself further. Intentional or not, self-pain and withholding is not a healthy coping mechanism. Treat yourself well, because it is your deployment too, and you need to come out of it healthy and well, just as you need your soldier to.

He really loves me. I don't believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it may make you both more inclined to let the other know just how fond you are of them.


I really mostly dislike any of those military deployment encouraging images floating around Pinterest and internet land. I don't like that they give off a sense of superiority. You're not superior because you love someone and they love you and they have a tough job that keeps you apart sometimes. You're lucky. Just not my thing, but I know everyone handles a situation differently and finds comfort and meaning in different places. I am proud of my husband; I loved him before the military and I will love him after. I will never disparage someone else just because their significant other is not in the military. That makes no sense to me, and it's simply not cool. Sure, I think my husband is the best around; every wife should think that. 

this is what I mean. not cool. 

Write your story down on paper. This is actually something I did when Kyle was at basic and AIT training, not deployment, but it was incredibly therapeutic. You can run through your memories from the beginning, often thinking of times you haven't though about in a long time. It will bring a smile to your face, possibly a tear to your eye, but certainly warmth to your heart.


Let yourself be angry. At him. At life. Don't always suppress it. Don't let resentment build. If you're angry, just be angry. You know you agreed to this, that you married him, that this was going to happen, that you love him and wouldn't give him up to save yourself a few painful months or years, to have a different life. So let yourself be angry, and then you won't be anymore. It's all good. 

To be everyday thankful for the person you are sharing your life with. When they're back, to not nag too much (but nag you really sometimes must, because how else is all that Army crap going to get picked up and put away?). To smile. To know you can probably make it through anything, because you made it through being so very far apart, together. 

Don't expect being together to be all roses and sunshine, just because you are back together. It is wonderful, and you certainly don't take it for granted, but being together presents a whole other slew of challenges. Frustrations will come up in any relationship, no matter who or where you are (though the military really brings frustration to a whole new level and consistency, I am certain). It's not being together that makes a relationship work, it's working together.

S.

Wednesday Wedding: What to do when Your Betrothed Really Doesn't Give A S#*@

I was going to title this post: "What to do when Your Betrothed Really Doesn't Give a S#*@, or is Deployed to Iraq, or, Let's Be Honest, a Little Bit of Both," but I thought that was maybe a tad too specific. 

And I wanted people to read the post.

I'm not going to throw Kyle under the bus and say that I truly believe he doesn't care a smidge how our wedding is, because I know he cares (about some things. like that there not be an abundance of neon pink table linens, for example, and that there be alcohol), and he can be a good sport about things, but I am going to tell you that when I asked how he wanted our wedding to be, his reply was "a good time" and he sent me a link to this song. In a way that told me all I needed to know, "all I needed to know" being that I was pretty much on my own with this one.

Here are a few tactics to use when you are planning a wedding with a guy who is, well, not.

1. Make threats. He loves you. He asked you to marry him. There are surely things that would be lacking in his life without you in it. Use that to your advantage.
2. Be creative. Crying about it may work in the short term, but after he comforts you, apologizes and offers up a tidbit of helpful information (he'd like to eat beef at some point in the wedding), he's going to go right back to being completely useless. He is sneaky that way. Don't be vulnerable. Be creative.
3. Scare Him. Yes, scare him into helping you. Here's what you do: you get together plans for a fake wedding, a scary wedding, all things he (/everyone) will hate. I'm talking horrible dress (think leopard print), horrible colors (black glitter, neon pink/orange, and a gold so brown it looks like excrement), horrible food (all soup buffet), and maybe give it a theme, something like "care bears," "Twilight," or "fairy dust;" heck just combine all three.
4. Shut it Down. By which I mean, shut his laptop, and sit on it, facing him, and refuse to get up until he gives you what you need, a guest list, list of songs he wants to be played, ideas for the menu, or what have you. Hm? The computer isn't your fiance's biggest distraction in life? Well then I can't help you.
5. Stew in silence, and take comfort in the fact that you will have this to hold over him for the rest of your undoubtedly blissful marriage.

I hope these tips have been helpful. 

.......

But really, I write this in jest.

 Keeping in mind that things are often funny because they are at least a little bit true. 

I was prompted to write this when last week, a friend sent me a message saying she was having trouble getting her fiance to provide her with guest information from his side of the family/friend spectrum, asking me for advice on what to do. I smiled and laughed a little, because this situation sounded all too familiar. (This is one thing though, that you really can not do without your fiance. He needs to tell you who from his side is going to be invited, and gather addresses for you. This is not your job. If he does nothing else to help, this is the one thing he needs to do.) I was happy to find that in hindsight I could laugh about the trials and tribulations of wedding planning, and thought I'd share with you.

And joking aside, sometimes he's just not that into it, and you're just going to have to work with that as best as you can. Unless you have a miraculous anomaly of a man to whom you are engaged, or you yourself are a saint of a woman. Sometimes I'm not into it either, and it's ok to take breaks from planning. I am lucky Kyle isn't both super picky and not helpful; I can imagine that would be a torturous combination.

Some real advice?
Don't throw too much at them at once. Ask for their input regarding very specific issues, one at a time (for example, the other day Kyle and I discussed what ties the guys should be wearing. And that's enough for this week.). Accept that some things he's not going to care about, and trust that you know him well enough to be able to take his unvoiced opinions into consideration. Depend on your bridesmaids and family for input; they are much more reliable in this regard and, assuming you've chosen wisely, more excited about the planning process than your future husband might be. 

If all goes well, you will end up with a pretty pretty wedding, and smiles all around.

via

link up!

Our First Anniversary

Our first year together was 366 days long, one day more than you would usually expect to get. 

A year ago today, it was a Monday and we got married. I don't have any pictures to share with you from that day, and the story of what happened on 3.7.2011 isn't really super interesting (went to courthouse, filled out some papers, got married, immediately afterwards went to eat at IHOP because we were really hungry, waited in lines to do Army paperwork, went to a motorcycle store I think, had dinner at El Chico, and watched Away We Go with some champagne in the barracks). The day itself wasn't too unusual for most, and for me, getting married is about much more than one simple and spectacular day. It is about every day after that too, for the rest of ever, if you're lucky and work hard. It is about the never ending adventure that you're just getting into and going to live day after day, year after year. Every day being married to Kyle has been wonderful, comforting, and new. I mean, there were horrible days, he did spend nearly seven months in Iraq, but being married through deployment made it somehow better and bearable. I don't mind that our wedding celebration is a year, three months and eight days after we got married; I'm glad to have a day to celebrate with family and friends.

Another special day.

Most of our days are simple. Early to bed, early to rise. He comes home and smiles really big at the meals I make him. He is grumpy from work but cheers up quickly.
Every (week) day.

Our first anniversary was a simple day. Early to rise, early to work. Rainy. My usual morning routine, and shopping for a microwave since ours went kaput a couple days ago. I baked him brownies, which he loves even though he dislikes chocolate (don't ask me how that works). I wait and he comes home. He tells me about trying to find me a pearl bracelet, but he doesn't like any of the clasps. He pulls out Settlers of Catan instead, and I am really excited but we realize we'll need some friends. We go to IHOP for dinner, because that's our tradition we decided. We are too full to eat any brownies.

Another lovely married day.
366 days later.
With many more days to come.
.......

I guess the point is that I'm glad I got an extra day this year to be married to my husband.

Oh, and an upside to having a wedding day like we did: you can wear the same outfit on your anniversary without looking like a crazy person shopping for a microwave in a wedding gown. 

Bake From the Heart

I don't have the problem with Valentine's Day that it seems many people have. You either love it or hate it, or maybe I just notice when people have strong feelings one way or the other. I think it is a nice day. I don't believe the real happy, wonderful couples that you and I know and admire wait for a day in February to acknowledge love and appreciate one another. The holiday is a good excuse to do something a little special though! If you're going the food route, I prefer a special home-cooked meal, or baked goods; it shows a little more effort than a box of chocolates from CVS (but, I mean, we all have our traditions. Husband and I went to IHOP right after we got married, so I can't judge). Valentine's Day isn't too big a deal for me and Kyle, but it is a good enough reason for me to bake him a carrot cake, his favorite!

carrot cake with maple cream cheese frosting

And some other tasty treats (for you, or I, or someone) to try sometime...

conversation heart cookies

beer cupcakes

raspberry lemon pie

salted caramel brownies

pistachio carrot cake with maple cream cheese frosting

pretzel cookies with chocolate and peanut butter chips

red velvet cheesecake brownies

chocolate cake 

- From the desk of Mrs. M

Married with Miles

I figured it was a good time for the sequel to my Dating with Distance post, nearly six months later and going on five months of deployment. Last time I wrote a lot about how we've really had to communicate a lot and learned to get really good at it. Kyle and I have always been good at talking to one another; how else can you fall in love when you live in different states? But now we have no communication. No contact. No email, no letters. Living in different states sounds simply wonderful in comparison.

It is not fun, it can be miserable, it some days seems horrible, but so far it is not unbearable. I mean, what can you do but live each day and press on when it gets bad? You can't do much. You can cry as much as you want, it won't change things. I try to stay positive; that doesn't mean I haven't collapsed crying on the floor.

 

Deployment is hard for more than the obvious reasons: being apart, him being a soldier at war, the unknown and the worry. I've noticed that the longer he is gone, the more it becomes a psychological challenge, rather than a more basic and gut emotional response. I cry and mope less than I did during basic training/AIT, but I feel it more, it hurts more. It's hard because being apart becomes the normal, against everything you want it to be. It is hard working out the guilt of being the one still at home, the one who has TV and a car and friends and days that aren't sweltering hot. It is hard to remember to remind yourself that he would want you to have fun and see friends and not work all the time. I have a habit of doing this: when Kyle left for basic I maintained three jobs and five classes for a few months, until I realized that was a stupid plan. I also wrote him over 300 pages worth of letters during those few months; many days that was the only social communication I had. It's hard when people thank you. It's hard worrying if things will be different once he gets back. It's hard in the morning, afternoon, and especially hard in the evening. It's hard not having a reason to be excited in the morning or a reason to stay up late at night. It's hard feeling like you're forgetting things and not making new memories.

Being married, though, is a comfort. I like having his name. I love being his wife. I like getting his Verizon bills in the mail (even though his phone is off and the bills are $0).  I like knowing that he's thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about him. I like thinking about when I will get to see him next. I like writing him little love notes every day.

What good can come from being apart? We are both doing good things individually, but I think to keep a relationship strong when there is no being together, you have to still feel that somehow your relationship is going to benefit. This is by far our biggest challenge to date, but I do believe that we will be nearly invincible by the end of it. I know that we are a very strong couple already, something I am very thankful for and so proud of. We didn't rush into getting married, even though our engagement was short and planning a bit chaotic. We have been learning about each other for eight years. I don't remember the first time I told him I love him because we've been saying it for eight years, the meaning has just gradually shifted. I have a keychain that he found and gave to me in high school (during my "omgaustralia" phase). I only noticed last fall that I've had that keychain keeping my keys together ever since, in State College, Finland, in DC, in Pittsburgh, and of course now. It wasn't intentional, it just happened that it was the one thing I always had with me wherever I went. It made me smile, realizing that, because likewise, Kyle and I have stayed together since we met in tenth grade. We dated other people, we went to different schools, different countries. We were not headed in the same direction, but somehow being apart brought us even closer, and we've worked hard since we realized what we wanted and what was inevitable; a good relationship doesn't just happen by chance and fate alone. I  know that this has already made us stronger, and love and appreciate each other more. Being married means being in it together, whether you wake up next to each other or thousands of miles apart, whether you have each others hands to hold or a keychain to hang on to.

- From the desk of Mrs. M

DIY: Map of Love

Corny title, I know, but that's what I made this afternoon, finally, look! 

I got the idea from a Pinterest find, which took me to this website, lolly jane boutique. This is what they made:

Of course I had to put my own spin on it. Here's how I made mine:

1. I am a huge fan of using paint samples for just about anything. They are great because they are free, the perfect size for bookmarks that you can scribble notes on, and come in so many fun colors. I've made a couple projects with paint samples before (a mother's day gift many years ago, and a heart I have on my bookshelf), so it seemed to make sense to use them to form the background for this project as well! 

2. I started by cutting up the individual tiles of whatever samples I had left in my drawer. You could always use specific colors and shades if you wanted it to match with the rest of your decor or something. 

3. I then arranged and taped them on 5x7 pieces of paper (the frames I had were 5x7). Cut around the edges, repeat, and I had my two backgrounds. (I had this nice two-picture curved frame lying around with no pictures, so that inspired the project, really.)

4. I found outlines of Texas and PA online, resized a bit to fit, and printed them out. I also have a big stack of origami paper, excellent for projects as it has all colors and patterns, so I used that to cut out red hearts (I didn't have any red paint samples due to said earlier heart project). 

5. Cut out the states. This was probably the most challenging part because of all the little ins and outs, but it was pretty successful. 

6. I taped the hearts down at their respective locations. State College- where we met, Pittsburgh- where we fell in love (I guess?), Killeen- where we got married. I decided to do it a bit differently from the original project, because I liked the idea of marking special places for us rather than the places we were born (though I will probably do a project with that sometime too). 

 7. Place each on a background...

8. Glue

9. I don't know about you, but I always sign and date things I make or write. 

 10. And voila! The finished project. I quite love it. :D

- From the desk of Mrs. M